Grief is universal, yet when it arrives suddenly, it can feel like the ground has been pulled from beneath us. The unexpected loss of a loved one leaves us grappling with sorrow, shock and disorientation. As Julia Samuel, a leading psychotherapist and grief expert, explains, sudden death forces us to confront loss unprepared, making the grieving process particularly challenging.
A Personal Story: The Day Everything Changed
When I was nine years old, I had what seemed like an ordinary morning. My granny called out to me as I rushed to get ready for school. I was too preoccupied—too busy being a child—and pretended not to hear her. I didn’t have bad intentions; I simply thought there would be another time to talk. That afternoon, I returned home to find out she had been taken to hospital and passed away. The weight of that moment has stayed with me ever since. As a child, I didn’t have the tools or understanding to process what had happened. Guilt intertwined with grief as I replayed that morning in my mind. Why hadn’t I stopped? Why hadn’t I spoken to her? Did she die, thinking I didn’t love her? These questions haunted me for years and shaped how I view loss today.
The Unique Pain of Sudden Loss
Unlike an anticipated death, sudden loss offers no opportunity to prepare emotionally or say goodbye. It is an abrupt rupture in the fabric of life. Julia Samuel describes this as "disorienting," a shock that impacts us physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. The lack of closure can lead to feelings of guilt and "what if" thinking—common reactions that complicate the grieving process.
Understanding Grief Through Julia Samuel’s Lens
Julia Samuel has spent decades helping people navigate grief, writing extensively about its complexities in her book Grief Works and through her Grief Works app. She emphasizes that grief is not something we "get over" but something we learn to live with. It involves moving through intense pain and gradually rebuilding life around the loss. Samuel stresses the importance of acknowledging and expressing grief rather than suppressing it, noting that society often stigmatizes open discussions about death, leaving many bereaved individuals feeling isolated.
Coping Strategies for Sudden Loss
While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving, there are ways to navigate the storm of emotions that follow a sudden death:
Acknowledge Your Feelings
It’s natural to feel overwhelmed by sadness, anger, guilt, or even numbness after a sudden loss. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment. As Julia Samuel advises, "Feelings are there to be felt".
Seek Support
Talking about your grief can be incredibly cathartic. Whether it’s with family members, friends, or professionals like therapists or bereavement counsellors, sharing your story helps you process your emotions.
Create Rituals
Rituals can provide structure and meaning during chaotic times. Lighting a candle, writing letters to your loved one, or creating a memory box can help keep their presence alive in your heart.
Find Community
Joining a support group can remind you that you’re not alone in your grief. Hearing others’ stories can provide comfort and perspective while fostering connections with those who understand your pain.
Take Care of Yourself
Grief takes a toll on both body and mind. Eating well, getting enough rest, and engaging in gentle activities like walking or yoga can help restore balance over time.
Use Tools Like Grief Works
Resources such as Julia Samuel’s Grief Works app offer guided advice and practical tools for managing grief step by step. These tools can be especially helpful if you’re unsure where to start.
The Role of Guilt in Sudden Loss
Guilt is a common companion in the aftermath of sudden death. For me, it took years to forgive myself for ignoring my granny that morning. Julia Samuel explains that guilt often stems from our need to make sense of the senseless; we blame ourselves as a way of regaining control over an uncontrollable situation6. Recognizing this can help us approach our feelings with compassion rather than self-criticism.
One way to work through guilt is by reframing it as love misdirected by pain. Instead of focusing on what you didn’t do or say, try honouring your loved one by cherishing the memories you shared and living in a way that reflects their values.
Moving Forward Without Forgetting
Grieving doesn’t mean forgetting; it means learning how to carry the memory of your loved one into your future life. Over time—and often with support—you may find ways to integrate their presence into your daily routines and decisions. For example, my grandmother loved gardening. Years after her passing, I started planting flowers in her honour each spring. This simple act became a source of comfort and connection—a way for me to keep her spirit alive while moving forward.
A Final Thought: Embracing Vulnerability
As Julia Samuel reminds us, facing our fears around death allows us to connect more authentically with ourselves and others. While sudden loss is devastating, it also teaches us about the fragility and preciousness of life. If you’ve experienced sudden loss—or are supporting someone who has—remember that grief is not linear or predictable. It’s messy and painful but also deeply human. By allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable and seek connection, we can begin the slow journey toward healing.
If there’s one thing sudden loss shows us, it is to never take the people we love for granted. So, take a moment today—and every day—to really be present with them. When they call out to you, stop and listen, because none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Life is unpredictable, but the love we share is what truly lasts. #grief #griefsupport #griefandloss #bereavement #copingwithloss
Lucy Bello is a Counsellor and Psychotherapist
Contact me on 07787 283895
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