Living with someone who is experiencing depression can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. It's a journey that requires patience, deep understanding, and unwavering support. If you are sharing your life with someone battling this mental health condition, you may often feel helpless, frustrated, or even overwhelmed. However, your presence and support can make a world of difference in your loved one's life.
Understanding Depression
There are different forms of depression and different reasons for being depressed, however, depression is more than just feeling sad or having a bad day. It's a complex mental health condition that affects a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. For those living with depression, even simple daily tasks can feel insurmountable, and the world may seem bleak and hopeless. It can be draining for those around the depressed person and feel like you are treading on eggshells in your own home.
Depression can feel like a thick fog that envelops your loved one, making it hard for them to see clearly or find their way. It is important to remember that behind this fog is still the person you know and love.
It's crucial to remember that depression is not a choice or a sign of weakness. It's a medical condition that requires proper treatment and support. Your loved one isn't choosing to be depressed, and they can't simply "snap out of it" or "think happy thoughts".
The Impact on Daily Life
Living with someone who has depression can significantly affect your daily routine and relationship dynamics. You might notice:
Continuous low mood or sadness
Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
Changes in appetite and eating habits
Low self-esteem
Tearfulness
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Loss of interest in activities they once enjoyed
Changes in sleep patterns, either sleeping too much or having difficulty sleeping
Increased irritability or mood swings
Seeking artificial highs by drinking, drugs or shopping
These changes can be frustrating and may put a strain on your relationship. It's important to remember that these are symptoms of the illness, not a reflection of their feelings towards you.
Supporting Your Loved One
Be patient with their progress. Recovery isn’t linear. There will be good days and bad days. Celebrate the good days together, and on the bad days, remind them (and yourself) that this too shall pass.
While you can't cure your loved one's depression, your support can make a significant difference in their journey towards recovery. Here are some ways you can help:
Be there and listen: Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is simply be present. Let your loved one know that you're there for them when they're ready to talk. When they do open up, listen without judgement.
Encourage professional help: Gently encourage your loved one to seek professional help if they haven't already. This could involve talking to a GP, who can refer them to appropriate mental health services and also discuss the pros and cons of medication. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Learn about depression: Educate yourself about depression, its symptoms, and treatment options. This knowledge will help you understand what your loved one is going through and how best to support them.
Offer practical support: Depression can make even simple tasks feel overwhelming. Offer to help with daily chores, cooking, or running errands. These small acts of kindness can make a big difference.
Encourage Healthy Habits: Gentle encouragement towards healthy habits can be beneficial. This might include suggesting a short walk together in nature, cooking nutritious meals, maintaining a regular sleep schedule or limiting alcohol consumption.
Adjust Your Expectations: On days when your loved one is feeling particularly tired, it is okay to lower your expectations of what they can achieve. Focus on small, manageable tasks rather than trying to do everything at once.
Celebrate Small Wins: Did they manage to have a shower today? Get out of bed at a reasonable hour? These are achievements worth celebrating when someone is struggling with depression.
The Power of Gratitude
Research has shown that practising gratitude can significantly improve gratitude levels and improve overall well-being. Encourage your loved one to start a simple gratitude journal, writing down three things they appreciate each day. This practice can help shift focus from negative thoughts to positive aspects of life, no matter how small. While it is important to acknowledge the challenges of depression, try to help your loved one recognise moments of joy, progress or connection in their daily life.
Celebrating small victories together and reminding them of their strengths and past accomplishments can be powerful tools in building resilience and hope. This positive focus doesn’t mean ignoring or minimising their struggles but rather creating a balanced perspective that acknowledges both the difficulties and the potential for improvement. By consistently highlighting the good, however small, you can help your loved one gradually develop a more optimistic outlook, which is an important step in managing depression.
Taking Care of Yourself
While supporting someone with depression, it's crucial not to neglect your own wellbeing. Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions – frustration, sadness, even anger. Don’t beat yourself up over these feelings. They are a natural part of the process.
Set boundaries: It's okay to have limits. Be clear about what you can and cannot do, and don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself.
Learn to recognise your needs: Remove yourself from the situation, if need be, by going for a walk or seeing friends.
Reach Out: Don't hesitate to lean on your own support network. Sometimes, just talking to a friend or loved one can help lift your spirits and give you a bit of a boost when caring for someone with depression.
Maintain your own life: Continue pursuing your own interests and hobbies. This will help you maintain a sense of routine and prevent burnout.
Consider counselling: If you're struggling to cope, consider talking to a counsellor or therapist yourself. They can provide strategies to manage your own emotions and stress.
Navigating Difficult Moments
Living with someone who has depression can sometimes feel like walking on eggshells. You might worry about saying the wrong thing or making the situation worse. Here are some tips for navigating difficult moments:
Avoid minimising their feelings: Phrases like "cheer up" or "it's not that bad" can make your loved one feel misunderstood. Instead, validate their feelings by saying something like, "I can see you're really struggling, and I'm here for you."
Don’t try to “fix” everything: Sometimes, just being there and listening is enough
Avoid comparisons or minimising their feelings: Saying things like "others have it worse" isn't helpful.
Embracing a Gentle Approach to Change: It is important to remember that overcoming depression is often a gradual process. Be patient as they try out different strategies. What works for one person might not work for another, so don’t be discouraged if they need to try a few different approaches before finding what suits them best. Start small, perhaps by adding a short walk to their day. Gradually you can introduce more changes.
Don't take it personally: Depression can cause irritability and mood swings. If your loved one lashes out, try to remember that it's the illness speaking, not them.
Encourage self-care: Gently encourage your loved one to engage in activities that might help, such as exercise, maintaining a healthy diet, or practising mindfulness. However, be careful not to push too hard, as this can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy.
Be alert to warning signs: Learn to recognise signs that your loved one might be considering self-harm or suicide. If you're concerned, don't be afraid to ask directly if they're having thoughts of harming themselves. If they are, seek immediate professional help. In the UK, you can contact emergency services on 999 or call the Samaritans on 116 123 for 24/7 support.
Strength in Support – Looking Ahead
Remember your love and support are a lifeline during tough times. Yes, there will be ups and downs, but it is important to focus on small wins and moments of progress – they are precious. Be kind to yourself, what you are doing is tough but vital. Your feelings matter but so does your wellbeing.
As you move forward, remember that recovery is a gradual process. Be patient and understanding and avoid taking your partner’s mood swings personally. Encourage open communication and seek professional help when necessary. By working together and maintaining a supportive environment, you can help your loved one navigate the challenges of depression and look forward to better days ahead.
Lucy Bello is a Counsellor and Psychotherapist
Get in contact on +44 7787 283895
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