An adult adoptee is somebody who was adopted as a child and is now an adult. We are going to explore some of the issues that arise from adoption and ways of dealing with them.
Adoption can provide a stable and loving environment, offering opportunities for growth and development that might not have been possible otherwise. However, it also presents unique challenges and emotional complexities. It is these challenges and complexities that we are going to look at.
For adoptees, the journey of understanding and integrating your adoption story can be complex, stirring up a mix of emotions. You may have different feelings and comprehension around adoption at different stages of your life. While it can allow for a sense of love and belonging, being adopted can also lead to struggles with relationships and identity. It can create fear of rejection which may lead to difficulties in maintaining good mental health. Children of the adoptee may also be affected by their parents’ response.
Let’s take a look at some of these issues.
1. Understanding Who You Are
One of the most difficult challenges for adoptees is understanding and integrating their identity. Adoption can leave individuals with questions about their origins, leading to feelings of confusion or loss regarding their biological roots. There is not always an answer to questions around heritage. This lack of knowledge is exacerbated by a society that places significant importance on biological connections as a core part of personal identity.
Understanding who you are as an adoptee involves exploring your adoption story: can you learn more about your origins?
Reflecting on how adoption has shaped your relationships can be helpful: has it affected your sense of self?
Learning about aspects of your cultural background: Are you embracing both your biological and adopted roots?
At the end of the day, it is your story to understand and to tell.
2. Navigating Attachment and Relationship Issues
Attachment is a central theme to many adoptees. The experience of being separated from birth parents, often at a young age, can have a lasting effect on an individual’s ability to form secure attachments in adulthood.
What does this mean? Attachment issues can present themselves in many ways, these include difficulties in trusting others or becoming overly dependent in a relationship, constantly seeking reassurance and fearing rejection around every corner.
One way to instigate change is to become more aware of what you are doing and how you are behaving in the relationship.
- Can you recognise triggers and patterns?
- Do you have fears of abandonment?
- Are you overdependent or too independent?
By building trust and healthy boundaries within the relationship and acknowledging your attachment style, you can begin to form secure attachments despite the challenges of your adoption background.
3. Supporting Reunion and Post-Reunion Adjustments
The decision to search for and potentially reunite with birth family members is significant and can be emotionally charged. While it can be rewarding, there is also the possibility of opening up a range of complex emotions including anxiety, fear of rejection or disappointment.
If this is the path you are following, encourage open communication and set realistic expectations for the reunion. Understand that you are all different and that it is likely you will all have a mix of emotions about this first meeting. In my experience, it is important not to wear rose-tinted glasses, this will lead to less disappointment.
Ask yourself these questions.
- What happens if your birth parent/family don’t live up to your expectations?
- What steps would you take to look after yourself if you were to find out upsetting details of your conception or birth parent relationship?
- Can you deal with the possibility you could be rejected by your birth parent/family?
While there are many positive reconnection stories out there, it is important to think through the “what ifs” to limit damage and promote self-care.
4. Breaking the Cycle of Trauma
Intergenerational trauma resonates with many adoptees, especially those who were adopted from situations involving abuse, neglect or other forms of trauma. The effects of this trauma can impact not only the adoptee but also future generations.
In order to break this cycle, let’s start by acknowledging past experiences and how they may influence your current behaviour, emotions and relationships. By understanding and addressing your trauma, you can work towards a healthier future.
5. Processing Grief and Loss
Adoption is strongly connected with loss. It can be the loss of biological parents, siblings or cultural heritage. It can be the loss of discovering your birth parent isn’t what you had imagined. The absence of information regarding one or both birth parent can cause a deep sense of loss and confusion as the adoptee comes to terms with unanswered questions about their past and the circumstances of their adoption. These losses can have a profound impact on adoptees.
Here are a few steps to processing your grief.
- Recognise grief, whether it is related to your adoption, loss of biological connections, unanswered questions or feelings of abandonment or rejection.
- Validate your emotions by allowing yourself to feel and express these emotions without judgement. You may be feeling sadness, anger, confusion or even relief.
- Explore your adoption story and try to understand the context and circumstances
- If you are adopted from a different cultural background, learning about culture can help you to fill in some gaps.
- Accept the complexity- it’s ok to have mixed emotions
The journey of adoption and identity is a complex process of bridging the past and the present. For adoptees, understanding and integrating your adoption story is essential to building a cohesive sense of self. This involves exploring your origins, acknowledging the emotions tied to your adoption, and embracing both your biological and adoptive identities. By connecting with your past, whether through a search for birth relatives or understanding your cultural roots, adoptees can find greater clarity and acceptance. This bridging of past and present empowers you to shape your own narrative, creating a future that respects your own journey.
Lucy Bello is a Counsellor and Psychotherapist
She is also an adoptee
If you would like to speak to Lucy about your adoption and any issues connected to this, please don't hesitate to get in contact.
07787 283895
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